I have been away. Not because I have gone nuts again.
I have plenty to say.


I'm just not sure if anyone is listening.
That's why.

I need to get over it. And I will - soon enough.
And I'll be back.





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You know, the review..

This is the review. I feel like I should do something to it. Frame it. Take screenshots of it. I was curious to see how people reacted to what I write, and I knew it would be a long time before I'd actually get the review. So there I was, sprinting around like a maniac at the computer center, printing out truckloads of lab assignments and protocols, and there it was - the beaming pregnant email - the review.

Shit!

And then I read it, catching approximately one phrase per sentence, given the 2 minute window I managed to catch in the middle of a routine school day. And I smiled, smiled like no one had seen me smile before. And then I had to run. And of course I missed the bus. But it was ok. A wind chill of -35 celsius doesn't really upset me anymore. Today I even walked around campus without a hat. But I digress.
So the point is, I loved the review.

At least, now I know my English isn't crappy. Or is it?

Well my boss thinks I need 'help' with responses. He teaches me how I need to respond when someone is done making stupid jokes. Apparently I am supposed to say "Thank Goodness!". "That's ok" works too. Of course this is a man who makes fun of me because I study a lot, and am 'tiny', not that the two are connected in any way. He also thinks I don't know what caterpillars, carpets and clay are, because I am from India. So, I don't know what to say when he says anything at all, because I know he has this novel response worked out in his brain which I am supposed to live up to. So I get sweaty and grin like a moron, hoping that would be enough. But I absolutely adore the man and couldn't ask for a better person to work with, and who knows, maybe I'll really learn some 'kick-ass' stuff to say and stun the 'duuuudes'.

I have been trying to work on that 'About Me' page, but I guess it's not as easy as it sounds. I also wanted to play around with the template, but college happened. It's sad that I have a photos link up in the link bar, but no links to the new photos. Well I ran out of free space on flickr, and now I have to delete the older ones. So I guess I'll just get rid of that link and post all the photos here. (See, I'm not editing!)
Anyway Lyell and Steno need my attention now.
But I do have some pictures for you.

Evenings with much to do and more to whine about

Some days, I love the snow. Some days I could hose it green.

Home. Someday maybe.

Finals week, the hair - oh the hair!.





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The Ailing Acerb

5 months of 'The American Way' hasn't been easy so far.

I have learned that human beings can be insightful and dreary, all at the same time.
I see people around me, all the time, all day. And I am sure, most of them are pretty nice people. What stops me from being nice to them? From smiling and them and not being awkward when thy try to be nice to me? I justify by saying, I am tired enough without trying to make new friends.
Old friends have wisped out into oblivion somehow. I don't know if they care, it's been ages since I last had a chance to find out.

Either I am paranoid, and a complete self-deprecating freak, or I am plain scared.

Change has never worked for me. I take ages to adjust and set my cushions right. Making new friends, and then losing them is probably something I am not bold enough to face. Something ticks off inside me, and makes me run away. I wonder if it's always going to be this way for me.
Pretty damn sketchy.

Organized freak that I am, I am prepared for everything that comes my way. I have the weeks planned out. Not in a creepy, obsessive way. But in my mind? everything is chalked out. I do it subconsciously, I never make a conscious effort to plan my hours. So when something jumps out at me from the bushes, this I don't have planned out. I panic, and lose grace. Maybe I should hide in a bunker somewhere, and do us all a favor.
I wonder if I am messing with myself. Prodding and poking myself into glorified un-socialism each day at a time.

I wish I could find better words. To write and to speak.





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First Words

He said, "You seem intelligent"
I said, "You look like an ape"


Happy Birthday.






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If I were an alcoholic, I'd be the best one ever

So here's to a crappy start to another year.

I am half a world away from where I was last year at this point, but things inside of me haven't changed much. I seem to have plunged right back into my depression. So much so that little things rake up the junk settled around that itchy little hole inside of my chest, straining the insides of my eyes and inducing an explosive headache. Tears have run out on me too. All I have is 88 cent a bottle of cheap 7 Up helping me wade through my weekends filled with miserable mush and gore.

I currently despise all human contact. Not because I hate them, but it's more of a kind of a rebellion. They make me feel insignificant, invisible, unworthy - and frankly they have no idea what they are up against. I am glad I am able to look after myself even when I am so messed up. I am glad I am not one of those unfortunate people who lose complete touch with themselves in an effort to get back at the world. But I miss being happy nevertheless. I miss looking forward to my birthday, which happens to be a week from now, in a happy daze. I miss eating proper meals with respectable amounts of carbohydrates in them. No, don't get me wrong, I am currently gorging only and only on extremely high fat junk, so my self esteem is on its way down the drain as well.

It's funny how I always claimed to be a loner, because I now realise that I probably wasn't one ever. Now that I think of it, I really blame the people around me for it. I know that is wrong in more ways than I can possibly think of, but that's just how I feel now. I have been abandoned mid-flight more than once, and it hurt so much that I gave up on society. I, however, did manage to bounce back again, but only when I got tired of the darkness and the night after night of crappy movies, I guess. Right now, I am no where close to feeling good about anything, atleast that is what I keep thinking, but then the smallest semblance of smile from someone cheers me up, even just a tiny bit, and I realise how wrong I am about myself. People do make a difference, a big one that too. Maybe that's the problem?

Anyway, I realise I have no idea what is going on inside of that haunted head of mine. And having equally messed up people around me doesn't help at all. It makes me cranky and jumpy and jealous. Jealous, of my friends who spent their new years walking around Times Square and drinking to the fireworks at NYC. Jealous of all the people in love, people who have people to care for them. Jealous, of all the dimmed lights in the basements of the cozy little houses next to where I live.

Nights give way to days, I try to shake the thoughts out, but the pain remains. It may be corny, but it really really hurts.




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Thank You

There are days when you feel like smelliest bit of crap and then a sweet gesture from someone you have never met makes you smile, even if it's for a moment.
Things have been bad the last couple of weeks. I am a wreck, and no one knows it. No one needs to know. I feel invisible. There may be an upside to this, but I don't see it yet.

Anyway, I couldn't thank D enough for my first blog award ever. I had no clue what I was supposed to do with it, but I soon recovered from the excitement and realised I could figure it out.

So the award is given to:

a blog that invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!

So I am said I am supposed to pass it on to 8 more bloggers. I could come up with many names, but I don't know of as many as 8 people who read this blog.
So I would like to give it back to D, because I see a real friend in you and I am glad you received this award in the first place, because you really deserve it.
And also to Coal Miner's Granddaughter because I think you rock as a mom.
And I wish I had 8 people I wanted to name here actually read what I wrote here, but I guess that's not happening.
So if you are out there reading this, let me know, may be my list wouldn't be so short then =)






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A Moment's Prejudice

It hits you. Just for moment. And you know you are in trouble.
And then the world comes down on you, the devilish rainstorm pants behind your ears, waiting for you to take the wrong turn, waiting to devour you. All this time you were in blissful oblivion, and time just took it's course - you have your faith, but nothing works.

Not now, not ever.




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